


Remember the Moment

by laneboyo



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety, M/M, Paranoia, Songfic, Suicide, holding on to you, joshler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-07-26 07:37:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7565677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laneboyo/pseuds/laneboyo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh would keep him safe, even when he was on the window sill.  </p><p>Look in tags for triggers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remember the Moment

The night air was chilly and Tyler's skin prickled naggingly, begging him to go back inside. The clock had just struck 3:45am and Tyler knew he should be asleep. He knew that his mother would worry about the dark bruise-like circles that lived under his eyes; about the dull look that never really left his face. Tyler wanted his mother to be happy -- he did, but no matter what he did, every night, time seemed to slow until it had stopped all together and Tyler would begin to itch. His skin would scream and he would crawl out onto his window sill, legs dangling precariously over the dark alley way stories below.  
Some nights, Tyler would lean over the edge, his frail, freezing fingers the only thing keeping his from plummeting to the ground. He didn't want to die. He told himself this every night, trying to convince himself that life was worth living -- that if he could survive just one more night, everything would be okay.  
Tonight, the air felt colder, Tyler's skin screamed more persistently, his fingers were tempted to slip and let him fall. He could do it, he told himself, he could fall and let everything fall away with him. He could make time stop -- make the pain go away.  
Something was holding him back. This feeling -- Tyler felt as though someone was there with him -- watching him. He didn't feel scared. It was a reassuring thought for Tyler, that he wasn't really alone after all.  
He figured the feeling would go away the next night,that he would feel alone again, but it didn't. The feeling was still there, stopping Tyler from falling.  
He held onto the thought -- the feeling with everything he had. But everything he had wasn't very much.  
A flicker of movement caught Tyler's attention, compelling him to peer into the dark window of the building opposite to his. He swore he could see a face. Two deep attentive eyes that blinked back at him through an open window. Why would anyone be up this late? Tyler let the ghost of a smile cross his lips as he realized the irony of his thought. Maybe he and the boy had something in common, he thought. Maybe he thought of falling too. Why else would he sit at his window at night? Tyler didn't want to think of such a pretty pair of eyes going to waste.  
Tyler was going to say something. He was going to ask the boy's name or why he was awake so late at night no matter how ironic the question was -- but the face disappeared. The eyes blinked once and vanished and Tyler felt empty and alone again.  
Tyler hoped the eyes would make another appearance, or at least that he would feel not alone again. But he was alone. He was alone and empty and no matter how many times he told himself the opposite, Tyler wanted to fall.  
Many nights passed before Tyler saw the eyes again. Many nights passed before he felt watched and not alone and maybe even a little safe. The eyes didn't leave so soon this time and Tyler was grateful. They watched and blinked and said nothing, but Tyler didn't mind. He wasn't alone and that was enough for him.  
Tyler wanted nothing more than to talk to the eyes. To find out who the boy hiding behind them and the darkness was. The hope that he would one day know the boy with the eyes kept Tyler from falling for many more nights.

\--

The eyes were teasing him, Tyler decided. They weren't here to help him at all. Tyler was frustrated. He'd been patient and given them space for long enough. 

"Who are you?" Tyler called, his voice sounding weaker than he had planned.

Tyler greeted the silence with unease and sadness, deciding that he really was alone since this boy clearly didn't want to know Tyler like Tyler wanted to know him. 

"Josh," the eyes replied, startling Tyler so much he had to grip the ledge he was perched on tighter to stop himself from slipping.

"You're Josh?" Tyler shifted his position, trying to make out a face in the darkness.

There was silence for a long time, and Tyler began to think he had blown it. That the boy would never speak to him again. And then, "What's your name?"

Tyler felt a bubble of something good forming in his chest. Tyler wasn't alone.

\--

Tyler and Josh spoke every night. Their friendship consisted of long silences and short conversations. Tyler even got so lucky as to see a glimpse of Josh's face one night when the air was warmer and the moon was brighter. Tyler felt himself begin to grow attached to the boy in the window and he hoped that Josh wouldn't leave him like everybody else.

"Why do you sit on your window sill?" Josh asked suddenly, catching Tyler off guard.

"Why don't you?" Tyler responded, grinning slightly at the sound of Josh's chuckle.

"I don't like heights." Josh paused, "Always scared I'm gonna fall."

"You're afraid of falling?" Tyler asked, peering at him through the darkness. "Or of hitting the ground?"

"Hitting the ground, I guess." there was silence for a while, "Falling wouldn't be so bad."

\--

Tyler felt himself beginning to look forward to the night rather than dreading it. At night, Tyler got to be with Josh, and so Tyler counted down the hours until he could speak to the boy again.  
Tyler shivered as a cold breeze touched his bare legs. He ignored it, waiting for his favourite pair of dark eyes to appear in the window. He waited for what seemed like hours before he heard the quiet close of a door and the flick of a light switch. Suddenly, Josh's room was illuminated, giving Tyler a full view of Josh's face and torso. Startled, Tyler braced himself against the frame of his window feeling oddly invasive of Josh's privacy. Josh paced back and forth in his room, tugging at his red hair.  
Tyler was brought out of his trance when he noticed the tears running down the boy's cheeks. Tyler shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be watching Josh while he's upset. Tyler brought his legs back inside, turning away from Josh's window. He wanted more than anything to comfort Josh. To tell him it would be okay and that whatever he was going through, he could get through it. But Josh was out of reach. Always out of reach.

It was three nights before Josh came to his window again. Tyler was swinging his legs, watching his feet sway. Josh's voice sounded scratchy and tired when he said Tyler's name.

"You scared me." Tyler looked up to see Josh's deep brown eyes already on his.

"I was just..." Josh turned his head to look at his bedroom door.

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me." Tyler understood what it was like.

Josh nodded, looking relieved. There was silence for a long time, both boys simply enjoying the presence of the other. It had been a while since Tyler had enjoyed anything. 

\--

It was getting worse again; the urge to fall. Tyler didn't know what had changed or why it was happening, but every night, he would pace his room, running his hands over his face and no matter how hard he would try to fight it, he would end up on the window sill. His fingers would latch and unlatch from the window frame and he would lean forward slowly, peering down and imagining falling. But as much as he wanted to fall, he never imagined hitting the ground. 

Most nights, Josh would be there to distract Tyler from his screaming skin and aching brain, but Josh couldn't fix everything.

Tyler was leaning too far one night. He was leaning and leaning and his fingers were tired and they wanted to let Tyler fall. A voice pulled Tyler back into reality. Josh was sitting in his window, telling Tyler to go back inside. 

"You have to fight it, Tyler." he heard Josh say, voice low and calm. "You are in control. Take the pain and ignite it."

Tyler stared unblinkingly at his feet which still dangled over the ledge he was perched on. Tyler wanted to listen to Josh. He begged his mind to obey him and turn his body around, away from the ledge, but his mind didn't listen. He was stuck, leaning precariously over the black hole of an alley way that separated Tyler and Josh.  
Josh was talking again, his voice reminding Tyler of a river, his tone calm and smooth. Tyler wanted to dive right into Josh; swim in his deep chocolate eyes, let his smooth voice float around him.  
Tyler felt himself leaning towards the boy, as if a magnet was pulling him forwards. 

"You are in control, Tyler. Don't let it control you. Fight it."

\--

"Fight it," Tyler whispered, pretending the words had come from Josh's lips rather than his. "Fight it, fight it, fight it." He rocked himself back and forth, his sock covered feet dangling over the gaping hole between his home and Josh's. Where was he? Tyler had seen him crying again the night before; the tears seemingly endless as he pulled at his hair in frustration. Tyler hated seeing Josh so upset and he wished he knew how to help. Josh should be here by now. It was 4:10am, Josh was normally here by 3:30am. He would come. He wouldn't leave Tyler. He wouldn't. He couldn't. "Fight it. Fight it. I am in control. You must obey me."

His feet were weighing him down, like they were made of lead and threatened to drag him to the ground so far below. He needed Josh. Josh needed to come to his window. He needed him.  
Tyler's face was wet. He hadn't even noticed the tears start. He wanted to fall.

"Josh," Tyler's voice cracked, "Josh, please. I need you."

Josh wasn't there. Why wasn't he there? Tyler's numb fingers slipped and he felt himself tipping, his body sliding further off the window sill.  
Josh. Tyler needed Josh. He needed to find him.  
Tyler's fingers regained feeling enough for him to pull his body back towards the safety of his room. Tyler stared at the ground, his skin screaming louder than ever. He pushed himself slowly up off the ground and stumbled towards his door. Tyler needed Josh. Where was he?  
His feet felt numb and he wasn't sure where he was going. He pushed the door of his apartment open and pressed the elevator button. The tears hadn't stopped. Tyler wiped at his cheeks, frustrated by his weakness. Tyler was weak. So, so weak. Tyler hated that. He hated him.  
Before he could process what was happening, Tyler was stepping his wet sock laden feet onto the fire escape of Josh's building. He climbed blindly towards Josh's room, his whole body numb.  
His window was closed. Tyler gulped back a sob and sat on the fire escape by Josh's room, beginning to rock himself back and forth again, bringing his legs up to his chest.

"Fight it, fight it, fight it." Tyler whispered through sobs.

After what seemed like years, Tyler heard a voice. "Tyler? Ty!" He was holding him. Josh was holding Tyler and Tyler was crying even harder.

"Josh," Tyler sobbed, feeling weak and pathetic. "I... I needed..."

"I know, baby, I know." Josh held Tyler, slowly pulling him up with him and bringing him into his room. 

Josh sat Tyler down on his bed, kneeling in front of him. "You're okay now." Josh held Tyler's hands and nodded, "You're okay. You fought it. You're okay."

The two boys passed many hours beneath Josh's covers. Tyler had finally calmed down when Josh had wrapped him up in his arms (and three blankets) and held him until he fell asleep. Josh was going to let go of the sleeping boy. He was. He swore. But Tyler just looked so small, all wrapped up and snuggled into the older boy's arms. Josh couldn't bear to move him. So they stayed there, wrapped up in each other until the sun came up.

\--

Tyler was surprised the first night that Josh knocked on his window. He had taken Tyler's idea to climb up the fire escape and figured Tyler wouldn't mind Josh joining him on his window sill.  
At first, Josh hated the idea - he hated heights. But no matter how hard Tyler tried and Josh begged him not to, Tyler would end up on his window sill and Josh would soon be by his side, gripping Tyler's hand tightly for both of their sakes.  
This became a nightly event - Josh climbing up to be with Tyler. Josh had put aside his fears for Tyler but even as Tyler tried, he couldn't do the same for Josh. 

"I just wish people would think more, you know?" Tyler played his Josh's fingers, bending and unbending them as he spoke. "We were lucky enough to be gifted with thought, right? Why not use it?"

Josh nodded, "I don't think many people think about thought."

Tyler laughed softly, swinging his legs and letting his feet bump against Josh's. "I'm glad you think." Tyler said, "You would be entirely more boring if you didn't."

\--

Most nights, the two boys either crawled back into their separate beds or snuggled under Tyler's covers and fell asleep by the time the sun came up. But tonight, the sky was pink and so were Tyler's cheeks. The boys had been talking about nothing and everything and all of a sudden Josh's lips were pressed against Tyler's. Tyler had been babbling about how it seemed as though Josh was everywhere he looked; about how everything reminded him of Josh and how he couldn't escape the boy even if he had wanted to - which he clarified that he didn't.

"It's like you're surrounding all my surroundings..." Tyler looked thoughtful for a moment, swimming in Josh's deep brown eyes. 

Tyler hadn't expected it, when Josh kissed him. Tyler had never been kissed. He was entirely unsure of what he was doing.  
Before Tyler had anymore time at think about any of this, Josh was pulling away, looking just as flustered as Tyler felt.

"Oh, god," Josh gulped, biting his lip. "I'm so sorry. That was stupid of me."

Tyler, still too shocked to react, stared at Josh and tried to process what had just happened. Josh shifted uncomfortably under Tyler's gaze, waiting for him to show some kind of reaction, whether it be good or bad.

"Should I just go?" Josh finally broke the silence, "I'm just gonna go. I'm really sorry, Ty."

Josh slipped past Tyler and hopped onto the fire escape. "Wait, Josh!" Tyler blinked, snapping out of his trance. "Don't go."

\--

"I fought it a lot, before." Josh murmured, watching as Tyler traced swirly patterns into  
his skin. "Now it seems like flesh is all I've got left."

Tyler shook his head, "You're more than just flesh. You're much better at fighting it than me."

"You're here, aren't you? That's proof that you're just as good at fighting it as me." 

\--

Tyler hadn't gone to his window sill in three nights. Josh made him feel safe. It was the same feeling Tyler had gotten the very first night. Tyler wasn't alone.  
When Josh held Tyler's hand, Tyler felt as though they were both instantly more calm and happy. Tyler noticed that Josh had been crying less as well. In the beginning, he would show up almost every night with tear stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes but Tyler never said anything. He didn't think Josh wanted Tyler to see him weak. Tyler thought that sometimes Josh would push away his own problems to deal with Tyler's. He hoped he wasn't right. 

One night, the full moon was reflecting into Josh's eyes so clearly that it looked as though his eyes were nothing but white orbs and Tyler wanted to kiss Josh so badly. He wanted to pull Josh closer and press his lips against him. He wanted to feel Josh's hands on more than just his own. But Tyler was afraid that Josh had forgotten about the kiss they had shared. Why else would he not kiss Tyler again? Did he not feel the way Tyler thought he did?  
Tyler was ripped from his thoughts by the sound of Josh's smooth voice, asking Tyler if he was alright. Tyler nodded distractedly and Josh furrowed his eyebrows.

"What were you thinking about?" Josh turned to face Tyler entirely, giving him his full attention.

Tyler shrugged, looking away. He was too embarrassed to tell Josh that he had been thinking of how much he wanted to kiss him.

Josh brought his hands to Tyler's face, holding it gently. "Ty, please. Is there something wrong?"

Tyler's eyes fluttered shut at the feeling of the boy's thumbs stroking his cheek bones. "I..." he trailed off, his eyes opening enough to see that Josh's face had moved considerably closer to his. "I want to..."  
Tyler's teeth found his bottom lip and he bit nervously at his, trying to find the words to express how he felt. "I just want to..."

Josh's deep eyes grew even deeper as they flickered down to Tyler's lips. "You want me to...?"

Tyler nodded quickly and Josh chuckled, letting one of his hands fall from Tyler's cheek and onto his leg. Their noses brushed and then their lips and all of a sudden, Tyler was kissing Josh and Josh was kissing Tyler and all of Tyler's fears melted away. Tyler was safe. He was safe and wanted and he didn't want to fall.

\--

The wind was cold that night. It was so cold and Josh wasn't here yet so Tyler closed his window and waited perched on the edge of his bed. He stared at the wall until he heard a knock on the window and quickly pushed himself up to let the freezing boy in. 

"Holy fuck, it's cold tonight." Josh remarked crudely.

Tyler giggled and shut the window behind Josh, following him to his bed. Instead of taking their usual places under Tyler's covers, Josh brought the quilt from the end of Tyler's bed onto the ground, wrapping both boys in the warm fabric. They sat with their backs against the bed and their shoulders wrapped in the quilt and talked for hours. 

"One night, I should bring a picnic up here." Josh decided, tracing the lines on Tyler's hands. "I'll make sandwiches and cocoa and haul it up here so we can finally go on a romantic date."

Tyler laughed, really laughed. He covered his mouth almost instantly, embarrassed that  
he had laughed so loudly. The grin never left Josh's face as he watched the younger boy's cheeks redden. Josh brought his hand to Tyler's cheek and brought him closer. 

"You make me happy," he whispered, kissing him once. "I'm not used to being happy."

Now it was Tyler who couldn't stop grinning. He opened his mouth to respond, planning on telling Josh how he too felt happy when he was with him, but the words didn't have time to leave Tyler's mouth as his door opened abruptly.

"Tyler? I thought I heard voices--" his mother stepped into his room, wide eyes landing on the two boys curled up on the floor. "Who on earth is this?"

Tyler was speechless, his eyes darting from Josh, to his mother and back to Josh.

"Hi, I'm Josh." Josh hesitantly pushed himself off the ground, his hand slipping from Tyler's. "I'm Tyler's..."

"He's just the neighbour." Tyler butted in, standing quickly and leading Josh to the window. "He was just leaving."

Tyler watched as Josh climbed out the window hesitantly, staring at Tyler with hurt eyes as he watched him close the window behind him. Tyler turned back around to face his confused mother who still stood in the doorway.  
Tyler watched his mother nervously, waiting for her to react. She stared at Tyler's closed window for a moment before furrowing her brows and turning to face Tyler.

"So, you'll talk to a complete stranger, but you won't talk to me?" she had a similar look on her face to the one Josh had been wearing only moments before -- hurt and confused.

"He's not a complete stranger, mom--" 

"But I'm your mother, Tyler. You're supposed to feel comfortable talking to _me_. Not some boy who crawls through your window at night." she ran a hand over her face, sighing heavily.

"Mom, I--" 

"It's fine, Tyler. Talk to whoever you want." and with that, she was gone, closing the door gently behind her.

\--

Tyler sat and waited, perched on the edge of his bed as he had been doing for many nights now. He stared at the wall and waited to hear the knock of Josh's fist against his window, but it never came. Tyler waited for almost two hours before building up the courage to shakily climb down his fire escape just like Josh did every morning and night. His sock covered feet slapped against the wet ground, reminding Tyler of the night he and Josh had first met. His feet felt heavy as he began to climb up Josh's fire escape. Why wouldn't Josh come? What if he didn't want to see Tyler? What if they never spoke again?  
His fist knocked lightly against Josh's window and the silence that followed caused an unwanted shiver to run down Tyler's spine. Within a few minutes however, his window opened slowly and Josh poked his head out.  
Before Tyler could say anything, Josh had pulled his head back inside and Tyler half-expected his window to slam shut in his face. But the window stayed open and so Tyler crawled inside after Josh. 

"You never came." Tyler whispered once they were both inside.

Josh had his back to Tyler, facing his closed bedroom door. He didn't respond, only worrying Tyler further. "Are you mad at me?" Tyler stepped closer, keeping his voice low.

Josh stood still for a while longer before finally turning to face Tyler. "Why would I come when you clearly don't want to see me?" 

Tyler was taken aback by Josh's harsh tone. "I... why would you think that?"

Josh looked more hurt than angry; his eyes moving to the ground by Tyler's feet. "Because I'm 'just the neighbour', right? Just the boy who crawls in your window at night. Nothing more."

Tyler was confused, "No, you're Josh. You're not just my neighbour."

"Oh, yeah? Gonna tell your mom that?" Josh sneered, wiping angrily at his eyes.

Tyler's eyes were stinging. He hated seeing Josh upset. "I just..." he tried to find the words to explain why he had stopped Josh from introducing himself properly that night, but he couldn't. He didn't know why he had done it. "I didn't want..."

"What? Your mom to know you like boys? Your mom to know you like _me_?" Josh ran his hands through his fiery hair.

"No--" Tyler's voice was getting quieter and for the first time in what seemed like forever, his skin began to scream. "Josh, I just wanted--"

"Well, whatever you wanted, you got it." Josh sniffed, still refusing to look Tyler in the eye.

"No, I didn't." Tyler argued, stepping just a little closer to Josh. "I wanted her to know how much you mean to me. How much you help me everyday just by being alive and here with me. How happy you make me."

Josh sniffed again, finally bringing his eyes to meet Tyler's. "Well, you did a pretty god awful job of it."

Tyler let out a breathy laugh, wiping his eyes again. "I know I messed it up. I just got scared that she would get mad or say that I couldn't see you anymore."

\--

"No, don't leave." Tyler held Josh's hand, tugging him closer as Josh attempted to get out of his bed.

Josh chuckled, letting Tyler pull him back under the covers. "The sun's coming up; I've gotta go back at some point."

"But not yet." Tyler laced his fingers with Josh's again as he put his arm around the younger boy's shoulders. 

Tyler smiled and wrapped his arms around Josh's torso, nuzzling his face into the boy's side. Josh flinched at Tyler's touch, jerking away when Tyler's arms pressed to his sides. Confused, Tyler turned his head up just in time to see Josh wince.

"What's wrong?" Tyler shifted so that he could see Josh's face more clearly. 

Josh re-positioned himself so that the pressure on his side was gone. "Nothing, I just, uh..." he avoided Tyler's worried gaze, "I just... hit it on a door knob."

Tyler furrowed his brow, lifting the blankets enough to see Josh's bare abdomen. Dark blue-ish-purple bursts were scattered along Josh's sides and stomach causing Tyler's chest to tighten. 

"Josh..." Tyler traced his fingers lightly along the bruises and Josh inhaled sharply. "How did this happen?"

"I told you..." Josh shook his head, "I... I walked into a door knob."

Tyler scoffed lightly, looking up at Josh. "Repeatedly? A door knob can't do this much damage without help."

Josh chewed on his lip, shifting uncomfortably under Tyler's worried eyes. "It's nothing, Tyler. Just drop it."

"This isn't nothing, Josh! You're hurt! These are serious!" Tyler insisted, sitting up. 

Josh glared at Tyler, "For fucks sake, just drop it! I told you I can handle it, why won't you believe me?"

"I just want to help you, Josh." Tyler whispered, staring intently at his hands.

"You can help by letting it go." Josh pushed himself out of Tyler's bed, pulling on his shirt and quickly making his way towards the window. "Goodnight."

\--

Tyler didn't see Josh for days. He figured that Josh didn't want to see him, so he didn't bother going to his window. Tyler jumped at the sound of a light tap on his window, turning to see Josh crawl in through the opening. He pushed himself quickly out of bed, moving towards Josh hesitantly.  
Josh stared at the ground by his feet, fiddling nervously with the fabric at the base of his shirt. 

"You came." Tyler whispered, stopping at a safe distance from the broken looking boy. 

Josh nodded, still refusing to look Tyler in the eye. "I figured I owed you a bit of an explanation after... what happened."

Tyler nodded and sat down on his bed, motioning for Josh to do the same. Josh slowly sat perched on the edge of the bed, not far from where Tyler was sat, but still further than Tyler would've hoped.

"So, for starters, I didn't actually walk into a door knob." Josh started, staring at his fingers intently.

Tyler snorted, "Yeah, I figured." Josh sent him a glare, "Sorry, sorry. Continue."

Nodding, Josh returned to his original stature. "Sometimes, my dad gets... mad. At me, at mum, at my family. He drinks too much and gets home late at night. He and my mum fight a lot. I try to stay out of it... but when he starts to hit her... I can't just stand there and watch her get hurt."

Tyler sat wide-eyed beside the now-crying boy, hesitantly placing a hand on Josh's balled fist. "I'm so sorry, Josh."

Josh wiped at his eyes, shaking his head. "I don't want your pity. I just thought you had the right to know."

\--

The next several nights were spent curled up in Tyler's bed, limbs tangled, fingers interlocked and lips attached in slow kisses. Things were as good as they had been in a long time. Tyler hadn't been on his window sill in weeks and Josh wasn't hiding his bruises anymore. 

"This might sound weird," Tyler murmured softly, "but you make me sleepy."

Josh chuckled, his chest rumbling in a way that made Tyler's head move to the same beat. "I'm that boring?"

"No, just the opposite." Tyler closed his eyes, "You're calming. You make feel happy and relaxed enough that I can actually feel sleepy. I haven't felt sleepy in a long time."

"You're never tired?" Josh asked, tracing a line up Tyler's bare arm.

Tyler shook his head, "I'm always tired. Just never sleepy. There's a difference."

It was silent for a moment, Josh seemingly processing Tyler's words. Just as Josh was about to respond, Tyler spoke again, this time his voice sounding much more drowsy.

"Your heart beat sounds like..." he was quiet for a moment, and Josh thought that he might've fallen asleep. "Like a song. Like the bass line or the drums."

Josh glanced down at the half asleep boy below him and smiled.

"Like a speaker..." Tyler continued, his eyes closed and voice muffled. "You know how it bumps? It sounds like your heart."

Tyler's head lay on Josh's chest, their breathing unconsciously matching up until they were synchronized. Tyler's heart beat slowed to a steady thump and his breathing evened out as he fell asleep, but Josh stayed awake, Tyler's sleeping form too unknowingly beautiful to take his eyes off of.

\--

Tyler was woken by the sound of the repeated pounding of a fist against his window. He groggily pushed himself out of bed and stumbled over to flip the latch, letting Josh climb into his room. Tyler was instantly more alert when he noticed Josh's tear stained cheeks and bruising eye.

"Josh?" Tyler reached for the shaking boy's hand, feeling his heart ache when Josh flinched away from his touch. "What happened?"

"My dad." he was staring at the ground again, eyes blinking only to let more tears fall. 

"What can I do?" Tyler felt helpless.

Josh didn't respond for a long time, gulping and wiping at his eyes in frustration. "Can..." Josh started, "Can we... go somewhere?"

Tyler furrowed his eyebrows, "What do you mean? Where would we go?"

Josh shrugged his shoulders, still avoiding eye contact. "I just need to get out of here."

Tyler felt a lump form in his throat, dread creeping up his spine. He couldn't. Tyler hand't left his apartment in years. "Josh... I..."

Josh finally brought his eyes up from the ground, staring at Tyler pleadingly. "Please, Tyler. I can't stand being cooped up here. I'm too close to home. I need to be far away."

"Josh... I can't." Tyler felt his eyes begin to sting.

"What?" Josh frowned, wiping his eyes. "What do you mean you _can't_?"

Tyler stared at his feet, "I just _can't_ , Josh, I'm sorry."

Josh's eyes looked different. The soft brown eyes that Tyler had fallen in love with were now a harsh shade of contempt. The tears that had only just begun to slow slightly had started up again, spilling over his cheeks.

"I'm always here for you, Tyler." Josh spat, "When have I ever not been there for you? Why can't you just do this _one_ thing for me? Think about someone other than yourself for once."

Tyler's skin was screaming. It was screaming and crawling and his eyes were stinging. "Josh--"

"You know, I thought you were different. I thought you actually _cared_ \--" Josh had begun to back up, away from Tyler and towards the window.

"No, Josh, please--" Tyler begged, the tears spilling uncontrollably from his eyes. 

"--But clearly, I was wrong." 

\--

Tyler stared blankly at his wall for hours. His tears had dried, making his eyes feel heavy and his skin dehydrated. Josh had left. He was gone and Tyler was alone. And it was all Tyler's fault. Stupid, stupid, stupid.  
Tyler jumped at the sound of his phone ringing. He glanced over to see Josh's name flash on the screen. He should answer. He should let Josh yell at him more. He deserved it. But he was so tired. So, so tired. He didn't think he could take much more yelling.  
By the time Tyler had thought about it, his name had disappeared from the screen and a notification for a new voice mail appeared. He would listen to it in the morning, Tyler decided.  
Tyler sat facing his wall until the sun had turned the sky pink and the first birds had begun to chirp. He was so tired. But he wasn't sleepy. By the time the sun had pierced through the clouds, Tyler's exhaustion had gotten the better of him.

It was 10:00am when Tyler's mother opened the door to his bedroom gently, still managing to wake the sleeping boy. It was 10:03am when Tyler's mother asked him to come sit with her on the edge of his bed so that they could talk. It was 10:09am when Tyler broke down onto the floor, skin screaming and eyes stinging. 

Remember the moment. Because the next moment, before you know it, time is slowing then it's frozen still. 10:09am was the moment when time slowed to a complete stop. Everything was frozen and Tyler couldn't tell if it was him or his skin that was screaming so loudly that he couldn't hear a thing. All he could hear was an overwhelming ringing in his ears. This wasn't real. Josh wasn't gone. He couldn't be. Tyler didn't even get to say goodbye. If he had just picked up the phone, maybe Josh would still be here. Maybe he wouldn't have felt so alone that he needed to drive as fast as he could into the concrete wall of that building. _The phone_ , he realized, reaching blindly for the device. Josh had left a voice mail.  
Tyler lifted the phone shakily up to his ear, letting out a broken sob at the sound of Josh's voice.

"Tyler?" Josh's voice sounded crackly and weak, "I... I don't think I can do this anymore. I-I don't have anywhere to go... I can't go home. I just can't. But I need you to know how much you mean to me, Ty. I've stuck around much longer than I thought I could. I love you. I love you so, so, so much. You're stronger than me, Tyler. You don't realize it, but you are. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for getting mad. I'm sorry for saying that you don't care. I know you do. I'm sorry for--" there was a pause and Tyler could hear Josh let out a shaky cry, "I'm sorry for leaving. I love you, Tyler Joseph. Don't ever forget that."

\--

The night air was chilly and Tyler's skin prickled naggingly, begging him to go back inside. He watched his legs swing back and forth. The clock had just struck 10:09pm and Tyler knew that he'd found himself at the beginning again. 

"It looks nice, right, Josh?"

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. I'm sorry. It's done. Big big big thank you to my homie Cait (@runndgo on twitter) for helping a whole lot. My twitter is @laneboyo btw if you have any questions!


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